


Said It All

by deargoodbye



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: M/M, gary and mark get mentioned lol, projecting my own loneliness!!!, theres no plot to this i was just feeling emo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 19:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20698835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deargoodbye/pseuds/deargoodbye
Summary: When Howard blinked awake in a dark hotel room, the first thing he did was sigh. He didn’t need to check the time - the only light filtering through the curtains was the sickly yellow of city lights, which meant it wasn’t yet dawn. In any other circumstance, he might have rolled over and gone right back to sleep, but he knew what had awoken him. Jason.





	Said It All

When Howard blinked awake in a dark hotel room, the first thing he did was sigh. He didn’t need to check the time - the only light filtering through the curtains was the sickly yellow of city lights, which meant it wasn’t yet dawn. In any other circumstance, he might have rolled over and gone right back to sleep, but he knew what had awoken him. Jason.

Jason was cagey about when his insomnia had begun, but he liked to joke that his last proper night of sleep had been in 1990. Howard couldn’t go back to sleep in good conscience, not when he knew that Jason was lying awake, worrying his pretty head off, and Howard could actually go knock on his door and keep him company, at least. So he sighed again and heaved himself out of bed, not bothering to put on a t-shirt or shoes.

Jason’s door had been left ajar. Howard made a mental note to complain to Gary about Jason’s lack of self-preservation. Mark wouldn’t be sympathetic to Howard’s worry - he often forgot to lock his doors as well. But as Howard pushed the door open, he felt all his tension melt away.

“Save me the lecture How, I only left the door open for you,” Jason smiled. God, he looked gorgeous in the shitty hotel lamp light. “I was saving it for tomorrow, in front of everyone,” Howard shot back, but his lips curled up to match Jason’s all the same. “I’m bloody knackered. Don’t know how you’re still awake, but I’m going to lie down.”

Howard flopped bonelessly onto the bed, taking care not to land too hard and jostle Jason. “Big baby,” Jason teased, but moved to share the covers with him anyway. Both of them ran hot, especially after dancing their hearts out night after night. The covers never stayed on for long, but it was a ritual, a symbol. Jason always let Howard in - to his bed, to his life, to his heart.

Howard wasted no time in wrapping an arm around Jason, settling in with their noses almost brushing. "You feeling chatty, or do I have to entertain you until sunrise?" Howard teased. Jason was unamused but not offended either. "I figured we could have a nice chat, mate. After all the bloody interviews I always feel like I monologued too much or spaced out too much. But it's always a good balance with you."

Jason's tenderness and affection made Howard's breath catch in a way that had nothing to do with his still slowly healing lung. It was always casual but no less genuine or intimate. Jason had so much goodness in his heart that he was overflowing with love and compassion for his family - the big family he was born into, and the slightly smaller family he'd found and fought for.

"Yeah, because I'm a moody bastard myself. Just so happens we're synced up like two girlfriends on their cycle," grumbled Howard. Jason laughed, even though he knew he shouldn't encourage Howard's horribly inappropriate sense of humour. While he often joked about how much he was always saying thank you, Jason reallt saw himself as an unworthy recipient of good fortune, and was constantly trying to pay it back to the people who loved him so unconditionally. Howard though, he thought, was the one always stepping out of his comfort zone to be there for everyone, and be demonstrative in his love even though it didn't come naturally to him.

They gazed at each other for a good minute, the room quiet and dark around them. Howard broke the silence. "I'm still thinking about the bloody unlocked door, Jay. How did you even know I was coming?" Jason wasn't having it. "How did you know to come over? It's been more than a year since the last tour, but you came over almost every night too." Jason's expression was unreadable, but the truth came spilling out of Howard anyway.

"You think I stopped waking up at ass o'clock after the tour ended? The first few nights I tried calling you, but I knew you'd turned off your phone and chucked it in a drawer or something. I wish it was just our cycle we were synced on, but I think I've got your heart in mine Jay...or at least I've got your brain in my head. Sometimes I can't sleep and I know it's because you're worrying, or I feel sad or restless or bloody horny, and I know it's coming from you. But when we're on break, even when we're recording, it's like you're lost to me."

Jason's heart broke. "Howard...I thought you knew," Jason began. Howard shifted his wide, misty eyes from the window to Jason. "I- I keep my door at home unlocked too. I didn't think I was allowed to drive over to yours-"

"And how was I supposed to know? When the tour ends you get in your car and drive off without a backward glance until Gary emails you that we're getting back into the studio." Howard was angry. He was angry with Jason, yes, but that never lasted long. Jason got stuck in his own head and over thought everything until nothing made sense anymore, but he wasn't trying to hurt Howard. Howard couldn't stay angry with Jason for long. He was mostly angry with himself for not having the balls to just tell Jason.

"Howard I'm sorry," Jason's soft voice blanketed Howard like a lover's caress. "I forget sometimes, you know, that I'm not alone anymore." Howard opened his mouth to speak, but Jason wouldn't let him start. "Don't apologise, daft sod. We spent more time apart than we were ever together. You weren't there for me, but I wasn't there for you either. It's all water under the bridge. Anyway it's different now, better."

This time Howard got a word in. "I missed you Jay. I still miss you,” he managed to start, but didn’t know exactly where to go after that. As much as he enjoyed the way he and Jason danced around each other, he was tired. Jason was beautiful when he danced, of course he was, but it also made him untouchable. Howard didn’t have a metaphor for what he wanted. But Jason seemed to understand anyway. He changed the subject.

“You know, Gaz got the idea for Said It All from us. _All of the miles and words we've spoken, all of the lines that got away, didn't we take the time to say them all?_" Jason sang softly, hesitant. He still wasn't fully comfortable singing, but he didn't trust himself to not go on a nervous ramble or say the wrong thing either. Howard allowed himself a small smile, indulgent. If Jason changed the subject, it meant that he didn't know what to say. Howard wasn't going to force conversation.

Instead, he leaned forward and softly kissed Jason. It wasn't the first time they had kissed. It wasn’t even the first time they had kissed while sober. Howard was too old and too experienced to see fireworks in Jason’s eyes, or have to swallow down butterflies. He loved Jason plainly, a deep trust that nestled warmly in his belly. Being with Jason was like taking off tight jeans at the end of a long day, drinking a glass of icy water, and then collapsing into a soft, warm bed. Howard didn’t love Jason the way he loved the mothers of his children, but Jason was his home.

Howard worried that Jason wasn’t much of a homemaker, that his mind and heart would always wander. Jason wasn’t the escapist he used to be anymore, but it was still true that he was rarely present and grounded the way Howard painfully was. If Jason was Howard’s shield, then Howard was Jason’s anchor. Jason’s love for Howard wasn’t a flame, urgent and dangerous, desperate; it was a tide, ever waxing and waning, but powerful and dependable. Jason would never consume Howard, drag him into the murky depths and let him drown, but he would always meet Howard in the middle. He would always come back.

It wasn’t their last kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so my creative writing professor prompted us to write a dialogue, and my uninspired emo brain wouldn't come up with anything else other than Howard and Jason...who ended up NOT REALLY SAYING MUCH TO EACH OTHER. Ugh.


End file.
